BANDITS
Starring: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Kate
Blanchett
Directed By: Barry Levinson



Watching Bandits was hard at times. Maybe it was the
shallow and very strange storyline, or the spastic
pacing of the film, or the 2+ hour running time the
film carries. Or maybe it was because I saw it right
after I saw the (superior) movie "The Others".
Actually, it was nice mixture of all these, gently
stirred in a big pot, and topped off with some Bruce
and Billy Bob spices. This is a movie were you feel
that the director didn't really want to leave anything
on the cutting-room floor as to make up for the
relative shallowness of the film. This is Bandits
through and through.


Based very loosely on some robberies in the 70's (or
so I hear), Bandits tells the tale of two bank robbers
Joe Blake and Terry Collins (Bruce Willis, Billy Bob
Thornton) who are infamous for staying the night with
the owner of the bank before robbing it in the
morning. While staying low after escaping for jail,
Terry (Billy Bob) gets tangled up with Kate Wheeler
(Kate Blanchett), a bored house wife who joins the two
in their latest bank-robbing fiasco. But, of course,
trouble arises when she falls for both men and thus
creating problems within the group. 


Bandits' main problem lies within the story itself.
The movie has a problem with lingering on parts of the
story but leaving other aspects wide open. Bandits has
more minor plot holes then any normal director should
allow. It's strange how everyone generally accepts the
robbers into their home without any fuss. Take this
for example: After busting out of jail, Joe and Terry
run into a random house to escape police. Upon
entering, they find two teenagers making out on the
couch. When the two kids finally see Joe and Terry,
they show no signs of fear (even though two STRANGERS
are in the house) and welcome them to stay the night.
Its shit like that ruins Bandits because while the
movie chugs on, I'm still confused by the insanity
(and un-reality) of the previous scene. 


Bandits is lucky to have a nice tight cast to keep the
movie in line when the script fails. Sadly enough,
both Willis and Blanchett's characters are barely
explained are sculpted just enough for the audience to
know that Joe Blake is a tough guy and Kate Wheeler is
a very strange and bored housewife. The movie does
spend more time though on Billy Bob's character, the
geeky and neurotic sidekick who spends more time
whining and breaking down then helping much. Thornton
fits the character perfectly and some scenes with him
are almost worth seeing the movie for.


This movie isn't the biggest letdown and can be very,
very funny when it wants to be but the incomplete
storyline and movie's tendency to have very slow
scenes prevents it from ever becoming more then middle
of the road. The ending, if you do reach it, is a nice
surprise but even then is fully explained. 


Nutbunny Recommends:


Daily flossing

02.10.2002

SPIDER-MAN
Starring: Tobey Maguire, Willem Dafoe, Kristen Dunst,
James Franco, Rosemary Harris, Bruce Campbell
Directed by: Sam Raimi



Spider-Man is the most fun I've had at a movie. Fun
has always been something infused into Raimi's movies
but never has it been more developed, then in this
movie. Maybe it was the fast-paced arse whoppin'
action, or the near flaw-less of Spidey's translation
from comic to movie, or the better-then-most quality
acting. Hell, I don't know but I know this much; if
you take away Lord of the Rings, Spider-Man is most
certainly one the best movies I've seen in awhile. 


The story is simple. Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire),
resident nerd, is in love with his neighbor, Mary Jane
(Kristen Dunst), resident hottie, who is dating Flash
Thompson, who bullies Peter. On a field trip through a
museum, Peter is bit by a genetically engineered
spider that gives him powers like no other; powers
like super strength, the power to climb walls, and the
good ol' "Spidey Sense". When his uncle is murdered by
a crook that Peter could have stopped, Peter decides
to use his new found powers to tear crime a new one
fighting in his uncle's memory. 


Now no good self-respecting person would be a
superhero unless he has a wide selection of villain
ass to kick. Spidey is no different. But the movie's
choice for a villain is strange. Played by Willem
Dafoe, the movie features not Doc. Ock or Venom, but
the Green Goblin. Strange choice indeed and the fact
of the matter is.Green Goblin isn't a very good
villain. He isn't as important as say, The Joker or
Lex Luther (Batman and Superman's super-villains, of
course). Either way Dafoe plays the role quite nicely,
playing both sides (good and evil, respectively) of
him at the same time. One scene is especially nice,
where his evil side threatens his good side in front
of a mirror, switching between the two. It could have
been a very goofy scene but, oddly, it works. Other
times it doesn't. In one scene, Dafoe cowers in front
of the Goblin mask as it speaks from the top of a
chair. I heard some laughter emit from the audience
while this happened. 


The action is purely top notch. The ending battle is
surprisingly harsh, and I swore I saw the camera trick
in Evil Dead 2 where Ash is thrown through the woods
used for a second or two. I could be wrong. The fight
is actually quite easy to follow and doesn't tend to
get too complicated as in other films. Special effects
in this movie are largely a mixed bag. There is a part
in the movie that is very Matrix-ish and it actually
looks pretty weird, as Spidey twists to dodge some
razor-blades thrown by the Goblin. It looks unnatural.
The special-effects are actually kind of cut to a
minimum, but it's pretty obvious in some scenes. Not
so much that it becomes annoying, but enough that it
takes just a bit away from the fun knowing that isn't
Peter Parker jumping those buildings. Overall, they're
pretty middle of the road. 


But don't get me wrong, I love this movie. Raimi has
been a life-long fan of Spider-Man and the movie shows
that. It feels like a child playing with a new toy,
the movie has a sense of joy coming from behind the
camera. Every part of the movie is lovingly crafted
and it's hard to really point out any problems
direction wise. This movie not only meets the hype
it's been getting, but totally surpasses it. People
will remember this one for awhile and for a damn good
reason. It rocks and there's no other way around it.
It's the type of movie that deserves a bowl of popcorn
and a room full of your friends. It's been awhile
since movies have been like this, where EVERYONE is
seeing them. It's nice. I get a warm fuzzy feeling. 


Spider-Man is, hands down, one of the coolest movies
I've seen in my life. It has some bumps, but the good
heavily out weighs the bad. If you haven't seen this,
GO! Now! 


Nutbunny recommends:


A nice big showing of Evil Dead after this movie.
Believe me, you'll want to.

Ignoring the fact that this review was VERY
fan-boyish. Sorry.

02.10.2002

THE POWERPUFF GIRLS MOVIE

With the voices of: Cathy Cavadini, Tara Charendoff,
E.G. Daily, Tom Kenny, Tom Kane
Directed By: Craig McCracken



An Evil Doctor's love.


I may be an old evil robotic classroom professor but
I'm not a bit ashamed to say that I couldn't wait for
this movie. I've been a fan of the deviously simple
show since I first saw the shorts way back when. Since
then, I've stuck with the show through thick and thin.
From the time when new episodes just weren't coming to
the time when I realized I was the only male fan of
the show in a 200 mile radius. I've had gotten some
pretty mean jokes made at me because of my love (of
course, I murdered them all afterwards) and I have
been waiting for the movie since the second the words
"Powerpuff Girls Movie" passed through my ears. Now
it's two days later (I've let the movie sit for awhile
to wipe away any fan-boy bias I might have had) and
what did I think? All will be explained.


Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice.


The Powerpuff Girls beginning isn't very
complicated.hell; it's explained in the show's
beginning in 10 seconds for cryin' out loud!
Complicated or not, the movie details the origins of
the girls, showing how they got involved with the evil
monkey with the oversized brain, Mojo Jojo, and why
they decided to fight evil. It's a slim story, but
it's basically a cover-up for some pretty damn intense
fight scenes. Actually, the movie is filled to the
brim with stylish, mind blowing fight scenes. They're
all quite interesting except for the game of tag the
girls play that is supposed to show the girls
discovering their superpowers (destroying the city at
the same time) but it lasts a long time. A 10 minute
game of tag is not what I really wanted to see in the
film, let alone the beginning. Luckily, Craig
McCracken stuffed the movie with the classic wit and
humor the show also contains so, while it may be
boring, at least you'll laugh. 


One thing I also liked about the show was the
incredible voice acting. It was no surprise that the
film did even better. There is one scene where Bubbles
cries while her sisters fight.ooh, her crying sent
shivers down my greasy old spine. This movie will no
doubt be loved by anyone who liked the show and might
even impress the poo-heads who don't. It had its
faults but I loved it. And that's all I have to say on
the matter.


Nutbunny's Predicted future with this product:


I see myself picking this up on DVD and then dancing.



Nutbunny recommends:


Some previous knowledge of the show. I'm a professor,
believe me I know these things.


Pants. You'll need pants to get inside the movie
theater. 

02.10.2002

RESIDENT EVIL
Starring: Milla Jovovich, Eric Mobius, James Pruefoy,
Michelle Rodriquez, the Thriller zombies!


I often wonder if a movie could be worse then Heavy
Metal 2000 or Freddy Got Fingered. It would take a lot
of work to suck that bad. But each time I think about
that, I laugh it off. I mean no movie could be that
bad, right? WRONG! After 3 thousand years in the
making, Resident Evil: The Movie has hit theaters. And
being the complete dumb-ass I am, I shell out my hard
earned 5 bucks for a seat in the trip through Hades
that it is. Oh friends, I knew it would be bad even
before I hopped in the car to go to the movies. In the
commercial Jovovich karate-kicks the friggin' dog in
the head in mid-air fer' cryin' out loud! Yes, I
thought I was prepared for this movie.I THOUGHT I was.
I wasn't. Nothing in the world can prepare for this
film. Nothing. 


Being a spin-off of the game series Resident Evil,
this film is supposed to be a sort-of prequel to the
first game. It tries to explain some questions that
the games have left unanswered, to sew up the little
nagging wholes in the R.E. fabric. But when I found
Jovovich's character Alice waking up in a "strange"
and "scary" mansion with a bad case of amnesia I knew
that this film won't doing any justice to Capcom's
wonderfully crafted games. While wandering around the
mansion trying to get her stuff straight, she runs
into a group of commandos that are trying to enter
"the Hive" below the mansion to isolate a virus that
is running amok. Soon they find that the workers of
the Hive (which is a top-secret laboratory, mind you)
have been affected with the virus and have all been
turned into the zombies from the Micheal Jackson
video, Thriller! Zounds, doesn't that sound
spook-tacular? No, it doesn't and it isn't. 


Video games to movie translations have been pretty
piss poor save Final Fantasy and maybe Mortal Kombat.
And Paul Anderson is no stranger to this movie genre
waste land. He was responsible for Mortal Kombat,
based on the video game (which wasn't bad but not
really good). Why he returned is beyond me but his
return has produced the worst movie my crusty eyes
have ever had the displeasure of beholding. But a
movie this bad has to suck on many levels then one and
it does. And so I listed them in paragraph form for
easy viewing! Don't you love me?


What R.E. does wrong.


Zombies: If you are going to make a zombie movie,
first thing is make some scary zombies, right? Damn
straight I'm right. Does Paul Anderson do this? Hell
no. Apparently he was too busy doing anything but
paying attention to the movie and the resulting
zombies look like stock footage from Thriller. The
makeup looks as if it were put on by a 10 year old
girl doing a rush job. And to add the extra "zombie
feel", sometimes pieces of the zombie's faces will be
missing. It looks SO real.can't tell AT ALL it was
done by computers. No sir. 


Special Effects: Every movie has them and so does R.E.
The Licker is the movie's main baddie and instead of
actually being there, a good part of his scenes are
Computer Generated. This leads to a completely
unbelievable enemy and any chance of being scared are
erased because it's FROM A COMPUTER! It's all
post-production! That isn't scary! And the CG isn't
even good. I think Paul Anderson kidnapped a random
computer nerd, locked him in his basement and told him
to make something scary with the 10 year old Apple
computer in the corner. And that's what he got.


Soundtrack: The music and surrounding noises are
important in a horror movie but Anderson forgot that
too. The Sounds are goofy and probably come from a
Disney Sound Designer for Kids program and the
Music.oh the music. I shudder to remember it. Damn
Techno, DAMN YOU! Needless to say, it is the worst
soundtrack ever.


Acting: On par with an Ed Wood film, the acting is
simply atrocious. I don't want to talk about it. Too
many bad memories. Oh, and Michelle Rodriguez is the
worst actress ever. 


Pacing: The beginning 20 minutes were the slowest,
most boring moments of my life. Ever. But then the
movie picked up. And slowed down. And picked up again.
And slowed down again. The movie is all over the place
and has no clue where it's going. It's a drunken movie
and the kind of drunk nobody likes.


Things R.E. does right.


HA HA HA! Things R.E. does right! Ah ha ha! That's
some funny stuff. Whoo... (I gotta wipe away some
tears, excuse me) Anyway, there are two things RS does
right. 1: The final shot is very nice. 2: Milla
Jovovich is naked in the movie. That's it. 


What does it all equal? Resident Evil, the worst movie
ever. Here's a story: I got some friends (yes, I have
friends) to see this movie, just to see their pain.
After the movie, I told them how I thought it was the
worst movie ever. They disagreed. They said it wasn't
bad but it wasn't good and that I should lighten up on
it. I told them if they could find a worse movie, I'll
give them 5 bucks. They all shut up.


Nutbunny recommends:


Stopping Paul Anderson from ever making another film.
By any means necessary.

02.10.2002


KUNG-POW! ENTER THE FIST
Starring: Steve Oedekerk, and other assorted people


Walking into the theater I knew what to expect from
this movie. I had seen the commercials. They didn't
look funny. But a close friend said it was okay so I
went off to see it with him. Yeah, I laughed at times.
Actually, a few things in the first 10 minutes are
really funny. But then it all stops, with some
chuckles here and there. It's around that time you
realize what a dog you're watching. A stinky dog, wet
from rain and fresh from a roll in manure. You then
realize that this is the most unoriginal film ever. It
isn't even an original film fer' crying out loud! It's
a 1976 movie called Savage Killers. Augh, it all hurts
my head.


Kung-Pow is like a horrible episode of Mystery Science
Theater 3000 on bad acid. Instead of running
commentary that's funny, Steve Oedekerk took the
original voices and dubbed over them with "humorous"
voices. It's a bad idea on paper and even worse on the
screen. It's unfunny, on a scale like no other.
There's also unfunny extras added into the background
to make the unfunny ness even unfunnier. There are
even added unfunny scenes involving an unfunny fight
with a cow, and unfunny scenes with unfunny aliens!
The madness doesn't stop there, oh no! The voices are
the worst part, and are able to reduce any strong
willed man to a puddle of quivering nerves. Like the
narrator, who spouts unfunny lines like, "Wow, looks
like that hurt!" and "Hey, dude, man!" I tell you, I
was busting a gut! In all seriousness the lack of
humor in scenes make you wonder if they were just
trying to remake an old film. I mean directors just
love to make their own interpretations of films
nowadays, quality be damned so why can't Steve
Oedekerk?


I'll tell you why.Steve Oedekerk isn't funny. You may
remember Ace Ventura 2 starring Jim Carrey. Well ol'
Steve here directed that. Was it funny? On a whole,
no.
So who thought he could be trusted with another
project? This is a sure fire dud, and as I write this
weeks later, it's apparent that it was just that. He
even stars in this one, and his acting ability is akin
to a fart enclosed in a room that has been sealed
tight for 8 weeks. Oh its bad, class, and it smells
like French fries and burning rubber. Maybe worse. I
say we take Steve out to the backyard and put him out
of his misery, like an old dog.


But I won't deny I did laugh real hard at two jokes in
the movie but the other 99 percent of the jokes were
just plain bad. So my general point is to stay away
from this movie. Burn any VHS and DVD copy's that will
come out, and let us forget about this lesson in bad
movie making. I know I'll try.


NUTBUNY recommends:


That you stay away from this movie. Please, heed my
words! I kid you not.


A slice of Cheesecake, because it's good darn good. 


Nutbunny Recommends:

I don't know what I recommend these days.

02.10.2002



JURASSIC PARK 3

Starring: William H. Macy, Tea Leoni, Sam Neill,
Alessandro Nivola
Directed By: Joe Johnson

Setting the record straight.


While I may be a harsh reviewer at times, I still love
stupid action-packed summer movies. So sue me. And
nothing encompasses the words "summer movie" more then
Jurassic Park and, like tons of other people, I love
and own both the original and its cheesy (yet good)
sequel. But like most of America I felt that, after
The Lost World, the dinosaur thing had been pushed to
its end. Hollywood didn't though and so we get
Jurassic Park 3. I had NO desire to see this
money-making shit fest but yesterday I was forced to
watch it on cable (by my "friends"). Jurassic Park 3
is even worse then I thought it could have been.
Nothing can prepare you for what terror awaits you in
this film. I love bad movies but this movie goes
beyond bad.its boring. 


No new tale to tell.


Certainly one of this movie's many faults lies in its
cheesy cliché "storyline" (if you can call it that).
It all begins when the child of a wealthy divorced
couple (William H. Macy, Tea Leoni) becomes stranded
on Site B of Jurassic Park when flying. So they get
the help of Dino experts Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill)
and Billy Brennan (Alessandro Nivola) and proceed to
the island where they meet dinosaurs and run from
dinosaurs. Oh yes, and the plane that gets them
there.wait for it.crashes (!) and so they are stranded
on the island also. No need for originality here
folks. It's amazing. From the moment they land on that
damn island, everything plays out like some silly teen
slasher-flick. The dinosaurs act no more intelligently
then Jason or Freddy (when they got somebody cornered,
they take their sweet little time to advance on their
prey until they realize it escaped.again). Oh, and
every cliché is here and accounted for (extreme
close-ups before they say, "Run!", people rescued in
the nick of time).


The sad thing is, the movie doesn't seem to care that
it's so stupid. One good thing about the prequels was
that they were informative (somewhat) and kick-ass at
the same time. Not so with this one. Even the dialogue
in the film is uninspired ("I haven't seen this film
and I've already seen it." I said this after QUOTING
the movie for the THIRD TIME without seeing it). And
when there is bad dialogue, there's going to be bad
acting right behind it. Yes, the acting in Jurassic
Park is bad. This actually surprised me because, on
the whole, there are some damn good actors in this
movie. Normally William H. Macy does a great job
acting but not in this film. Sam Neill was good as
Alan Grant is the first JP.but not in this film. It
never stops.


Attack of the Special Effects!!! 


Of course, the first thing you think of when you think
Jurassic Park is Cool-Ass Dinosaurs. The crazy special
effects made the original a landmark title and the
sequel only expanded on it. Jurassic Park 3, however,
steps back in time with completely rush-job special
effects. The whole time is like this, "That Dinosaur
doesn't look real.that isn't an actor.that's a blue
screen.somebody shoot me." Apparently somebody forgot
to read the manual on how to make a cool dinosaur. The
Dino's in this flick look like retarded plane crash
survivors, with horribly stupid sound effects to go
with it. If you do think them as retarded people, only
then will the sounds they make fit them. The calls the
raptors make is a strange mixture between a dog, a
bear, and a whole lot of dumb. Maybe somebody thinks
these dinosaurs work but then again, that's probably
the same person who thought this movie was a good
idea. Unacceptable. 


There really is no reason to see this movie except for
some mildly entertaining crap. But nothing can stop
this movie from sucking in so many ways. Avoid this
like the plague.


Nutbunny's Predicted future with this product:

What? You think I'm going to see this again?!!? HA!


Nutbunny recommends:

Don't believe your friends when they say this film is
so bad, it's funny, because, in reality, it's so
bad.it's bad. 

02.10.2002


AUSTIN POWERS: GOLDMEMBER
Starring: Mike Myers, Mike Myers, Verne Troyer,
Beyonce Knowles, Micheal Caine
Directed By: Jay Roach



Beating a dead horse.


I called it. I said, "Goldmember will be the same damn
movie as before with tiny variations." I was right and
I let people know it as I was leaving the theater. But
the sad thing is, Goldmember only hints at what genius
the movie could have been if more time had been given
to original jokes. Instead, it falls back on the
crutch of using the same, now almost universally
known, jokes but changed just a bit.and not for the
better. It reminds me of Return of the Jedi. Both
movies had potential, but failed because of stupid
things that could have been easily fixed (Ewoks:
Reused Jokes) had anyone cared to make a good movie.
Oh, and they both topped of the finest trilogies ever.
Not getting the full picture? Feast your eyes on this.



How Myers lost his groove.


Nobody saw the last two movies for their storylines
and the third isn't any different. Austin (Myers) is
put back to work when he finds that his father (Caine)
has been captured and brought to 1975 by a man named
Goldmember (Myers). There he teams up with his former
pal Foxxy Cleopatra (Knowles, who actually does a good
job) and then.um, things happen. Somewhere along the
line Dr. Evil (Myers) comes into the picture, planning
to use a tractor beam to crash an asteroid into earth.
Yeah, I know you've heard that old tale many times
before and, dammit, you're gonna have to put up with
it again. (Fat Bastard also shows up but, like any
other part of the movie, is just there to make a bad
fart joke and then leave.)


The thing that really makes me mad is that this could
have been so funny. Sadly, even the funniest parts are
just rehashed jokes. Like the rendition of "Just the
two of us?" Then you'll get a kick of the rendition of
"It's a hard knock life." It's easily the funniest
part of the movie but it's hardly worth seeing the
movie for. Strange thing is people were dying at parts
that I just didn't think were funny. And maybe that's
what its come to. Maybe my sense of humor has changed
since the last movie. OR MAYBE MYERS HAS SUCCUMBED TO
THE EVILS OF MR. DOLLAR SIGN!!! The last movie had me
keeling over in laughter and I mean it when it tell
you, this movie is a dud. Goldmember, the title
character, is in the movie for about two minutes! And
he isn't funny! 


Verdict.


It's already been said. Austin Powers: Goldmember is
at its best a film almost worth watching. At its
worst? It's an uninspired crap-fest that exists for
the sole purpose of making money and disappearing
quickly before people discover it's bad. 


Nutbunny's predicted future with this product.

Ha! I doubt this movie will ever be seen again by me
lest somebody else has rented it and I happen to be
immobile. 


Nutbunny recommends:


Don't see this film! Warn everyone! Don't waste your
money!

02.10.2002



BLOOD: THE LAST VAMPIRE



Strange things indeed.


Blood is a strange movie. It has brilliant animation,
beautiful backgrounds, and a plot that is not
explained at all. Blood plays out like a special
episode of a show long into its second season, as
things are said that make no sense at all and are
never explained. But maybe it's all a good thing.
Without a complicated story, it gives the viewer a
chance to bask in wonderful animation. Blood is a
visual ride reveled only by Akira and its all thanks
to it digital production. Everything is clear, crisp,
and just the way it should be. Oh, and believe me when
I say the backgrounds are nice. There is there one
shot one the air base the movie takes place on.oh my
gawd, it's unbelievably pretty. 


Ah yes, Vampires.


Vampires aren't a really interesting subject anymore
but for some reason, this movie thought it was
necessary to drag once again to world of the blood
suckers. It's the tale of Saya, a young woman who is
(I guess) the last remaining original vampire. I
really don't know what they mean by original
vampire.what, was a whole NEW species of vampires born
without me knowing?!!? Anyhoo, she's a bad-ass no
doubt and is sent to rid the fine people of Yokota Air
Base of a nasty case of vampires. So, like any other
vampire ass-kicker, she lies low at the local High
School until she finds the three vampires who seem to
be causing the problems (yes, class, THREE. An
un-knowing nod to Plan 9 if you ask me.). And caught
up in all this madness, is the school nurse. So there
you have it.nothing I said here is explained any
further than this and that is what hurts this film.
But calling this.this.THING a film is really kinda
unfair seeing that it's run time is about 45 minutes
(in the anime world, we'd call this a OVA). But I
don't see why they didn't just go the extra mile,
flesh out the story, and make a feature length film.
Hell, if they spent all that time with the animation
you'd think they would have. 


The joy of Computers.


It's tough to explain the beauty of this film but
calling Blood an unstoppable visual beast would
probably be the closest thing. Everything in this film
animates so fluidly, so life-like. Chalk it up to
Blood's all digital make-up which not only made things
much easier for animators but give the movie a look
all it's own. People have tried fusing computers and
animation and many have failed but Blood does it with
its hands tied behind its back. The vibrant color, the
shadows just where they need to be.it's almost
perfect.


But, of course, you gotta remember that the movie is
over before it's even started. Also, I could complain
all day about the skimpy storyline but the movie is
all too beautiful to hate. It's wonderful, but it has
its faults.


Nutbunny's Predicted future with this product:

Considering I borrowed this from someone, I may buy
some time in the future it I see it on sale. 

02.10.2002

SCOOBY-DOO
Starring: Freddie Prince Jr., Sarah Michelle Gellar,
Linda Cardnellini, Matthew Lillard, Rowan Atkinson
Directed By: Raja Gosnell



Scooby-Doo, at its core is a wonderful concept. A
stoner and his dog solve mysteries with a handful of
wacky detectives in creepy castles and such. Wonderful
concept, but I've always hated the show with a
passion. But I always knew somebody would one day
realize the genius of Scooby and make a worthwhile
adaptation of the show. So that's why I had hope for
the live-action version of the 1970's show. Penned by
Troma veteran James Gunn, Scooby-Doo has left me
utterly confused. The movie isn't really for the
little 'uns (Drug undertones, scary scenes and
whatnot), its not for the Teenagers (any attempt at
gross-out humor is just dumb and uninspired), and it
ain't for mum and dad (its pretty dumb boring). Where
does this leave us? Nowhere and it's just sad really.



We start with a regular caper with the Mysteries Inc.
group, until Velma is offended when Fred takes all the
credit for the finished job. Soon the whole group
splits.until two years later, when a Theme Park owner
named Mondavarious calls the kids into action one more
time to solve the mystery behind the strange behavior
of the visiting college kids. As each try to solve the
mystery on their own, they soon realize that can't do
it without the others.big surprise. Actually, the
script is really where Scooby-Doo falls flat on its
face. The directing isn't bad, the acting is.there
(who said Freddie Prince Jr. could act?), and Scooby
and Shaggy are interesting enough. No, the fault lies
mostly with James Gunn, whom I feel has completely
dropped the ball with this project. 


It's true, Gunn has faithfully paid tribute to the
show by staying true to the material but, GODDAMN,
this movie is almost painfully un-funny. I saw this
movie with about 10 friends in a theater packed with
kids.hardly heard even a chuckle. Actually the only
laughs I heard were nervous laughs from the kids in
order to show their moms that the 12 bucks she just
wasted was not wasted in vain. The attempts at humor
seem forced at times.no, at all times. Beside the
strange drug-undertones, nothing in this movie is
truly funny. And you don't go to see a comedy that
doesn't make you laugh do you? 


Scooby-Doo did have two good parts of it though. The
first being the weed jokes made by Shaggy and Scooby,
which I thought were cut at the last minute. I'm glad
they made it because they're only damn jokes that seem
right in this turd. Secondly, while this neither helps
nor hinders the film, it's just an observation.Linda
Cardnellini, who plays Velma, is a 100% certified
hottie. Yes sir, she is quite a looker.goodness. She
was the only keeping me from walking out of the
theater. (Yes dear reader, I am a lonely man.)


So let's review, shall we? Scooby-Doo had promise,
which it didn't fulfill. The drug-undertones are the
only things funny and Velma is hot. Summed up it means
this: It's just another summer film that will make
some money, go to video, and then disappear forever.
And let's keep it that way. So now, if you'll excuse,
I must continue searching for Cardnellini's number.

Nutbunny recommends:


That you avoid this movie like the plaque. 


Give your souls to Linda Cardnellini!!! 


Somebody find me a life.

02.10.2002

Cannibal! The Musical 

1996

Directed By: Trey Parker 

Starring: Trey Parker, Toddy Walters, Jason McHugh, Joel Hegel, Dian Bachar, Robert Muratoe, Andy Kemler, Ted Henwood

Not many people can see a movie, point at it, and say, “That’s my favorite movie”. I can. It’s a little known movie done by my hero (and creator of South Park), Trey Parker. It goes by the name of "Cannibal The Musical". And yes, this movie is good. So very, very good. 

Cannibal is the little story of the first person to ever be convicted of cannibalism, Alfred Packer (Trey). Lying in his cell, waiting to be executed, he relates his story to Polly Prye (Toddy Walters), a local news reporter. A tale of Gold, Love, and Japanese Indians! 

This movie is quite interesting to watch for so many reasons. Being a big fan of South Park, watching this movie was nothing short of bliss. Seeing the humble beginnings of a man so damn funny is quite an awe inducing hour and a half. This movie was also created basically from a budget of, well, nothing. That’s because this movie is a student film. Filmed in the course of a spring break, this is the film Trey was going to use to get out of college. He took so long perfecting it; he missed the deadline and failed. 

Like “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut”, Cannibal happens to be a musical. The difference is you won’t get in a much trouble in public singing, “ Lets Build a Snowman”, rather then, say, “Uncle Fucker”. But both movies also happen to have the most addicting soundtracks this side of Rocky Horror and Spinal Tap. Yes, even though this movie was shot for around pennies and dimes, it still manages to have one of the greatest musical numbers around. Screw Greased Lightning; give me some Hang the Bastard. 

Aye, music is good but is it funny? Now that’s just a stupid question. Of course it is fool! Trey Parker wrote it, you know. Seriously, this movie was watched by half the people I know and none could stop laughing. This movie is so funny, that while you’re laughing, another joke happens. You have to see this movie a couple of time to catch all the jokes. This movie has created many Trey fans.  

This movie was picked up by good old TROMA after almost every film company in town turned down Trey. (Funny, they all want it now…). TROMA, being an independent film company, has never had really jaw-dropping DVDs. All TROMA DVDs have all the same features (T.I.T The Troma Intelligence Test, tour of TROMA) and maybe some movie specific features. Well, it seems that TROMA took a little bit longer crafting this DVD since it has one of the finest transfers in TROMA DVD history. And it also has more than a couple of special features. On top of that, it has the greatest commentary tracks ever (Trey and pals get drunker and drunker while watching the movie). This movie has it all. 

Word of warning though: This movie is terribly hard to find if you don’t buy it from TROMA directly. Take it from me. But if you ever want to watch a damn funny and shocking good independent film, you can’t go wrong with Cannibal.

Professor Nutbunny gives "Cannibal The Musical" 4 Dr. Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Combat Shock

a.k.a. American Nightmare

1986

Directed By: Buddy Giovinazzo 

Starring: Ricky Giovannzo, Veronica Stark, Mitch Maglio, Asaph Livini, Nick Nasta, Michael Tierno.

Combat Shock is the tale of a man walking the streets of his broken neighborhood. He was in ‘Nam and because of it is slightly un-right. So he decides to take vengeance on the world. That’s it. No more. 

Combat shock is a low budget that really has no story line. The main part of the movie is of him walking the streets and thinking back to Nam. The vengeance doesn’t come till the very end. But Combat Shock puts a twist to the formula of a low budget movie with no story. It's good. 

The movie takes place in a really beat up place. Probably the most crapped upon place in America. Filter this through a heap, low budget camera and you got one eerie neighborhood. The neighborhood and just overall creepiness really carry this movie. It really just disturbs you. 

For a Troma movie, the acting, also, is pretty top notch. Ricky Giovazzo plays a really convincing psycho and his wife is a really bad bitch. But I mean it in a good way. And, as always with any Troma movie, there is some gore for all the crazies out there. 

Try to find this movie. Its greatness just can’t put into words. It’s angry. It's mean. It’s eerie. But it’s really good. Professor Nutbunny gives "Combat Shock" 3 and 1/2 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Professor Nutbunny recommends the following for viewers of "Combat Shock": 

Help for anyone who acts like this.

Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within

2001

Directed by: Hironobu Sakaguchi and Moto Sakakibara

Voices by: Ming Na Wen, Alec Baldwin, Donald Sutherland, James Woods, Steve Buscemi 

Holy friggin’ cow, look at this movie! Whoo! I tell you, this movie is probably the finest looking movie since Akira. The last scene is really something, with the camera following an eagle over a huge canyon. That is if you ever make it to the last scene because Final Fantasy: The Sprits Within is really disappointing. This movie is the equivalent of that one kid in school who gets picked on because he’s dumb, boring and speaks in monotone but really can draw well. Or something like that…maybe you didn’t know him. 

It really is sad to see Final Fantasy on DVD only 5 odd months after it was released in theaters. Being fan of the Final Fantasy ever since I tried my hands on the original on the ol’ NES, I was really hyped up for this movie. Sadly, I never saw it in theaters and according to the money it made neither did anyone else. Tis a shame, because if the story wasn’t written by some 2nd graders after World Day this would be a worthwhile movie. Why? Because this movie has “Pro-environment” almost seeping out of its butt.  

Oh yes, the story really is the retarded masterpiece every single person said it was. Here’s the breakdown: It’s some year in the future and the humans have been sharing the earth with some unfriendly aliens due to a collision with an asteroid some years back. Forced to live in shielded cities, the humans cower as the aliens give the human race a mighty bitch smack. But it just so happens that Dr. Aki Ross (Ming Na Wen) and Dr. Sid (Donald Sutherland) how to stop the oh-so fearsome aliens. But what they need is 8 sprits of the world. But in a major revelation it seems Aki was infected by the aliens, and her time running short! Will she succeed or will the human race be doomed? . . . Do we really give a damn? Students, I even heard this movie written by two guys who never written a movie before! Friends, that’s a big old No-No right there. Classes, when you have two guys with no experience with writing movies, well, write your movie, you’ve set yourself up for failure. Of course, I only heard this.  

But if you move aside the crap-tastatic story, you’ll find a flawed but good movie. The characters are beautiful but the backgrounds and the small touches make it a moving piece of art. The animators really put their heart and soul into this movie and it shows. The voice actors, on the other hand, are a mixed bag. Ming Na, who plays Aki, is good if sometimes a bit flat, and Donald Sutherland plays old man Sid fine (probably because he’s an old man himself). Steve Buscemi’s character Neil is the “funny man” of the movie and, while I like Steve Buscemi, his character is annoying, dumb and, most importantly, not funny. But to equal it all out, James Wood’s character (whose name escapes me but was probably Jim or Bob, the Anti-environment dude) is easily the best read out of them all. We really can’t say anything though because if I had to read the dialogue they had to read with feeling, I’d probably have giggle fits. 

While the dialogue can make you come down with dumb syndrome, the music is really something. Okay, it’s not wonderful but compared to other soundtracks it’s head and shoulders above the rest. But I wonder why Square didn’t go with the composer of the games, who makes some of the most mind numbingly addictive music. Actually that’s another thing that surprised me…besides the name, this ISN’T Final Fantasy. I see no summons, no magic, no Mystic sword, and no hard last boss. All I see is big long cut-scene with guns, see-through enemies, and dumb-ass dialogue. Square confuses me sometimes. (“We’ll make a movie based on a game series that has millions of die-hard fans, and make it TOTALLY UNLIKE THE GAMES! Genius!”) 

Speaking of games, this movie most reminds of Final Fantasy 8 for the PlayStation. Both are really big red pimples on the legacy of FF. But all kidding aside, Final isn’t a total loss. The movie does have good scenes (the beginning scene of Aki in New York, or the one where they’re on a barren desert land trying to find another sprit) and the soundtrack is really nice. Also, the DVD is a good package and the extras are pretty nice. (In the Documentary, the team still thinks the movie will do well. Poor guys.) All in all I recommend you see FF: The sprits within just to experience the beauty of it all. And laugh at the dialogue. Word to your mother. 

Professor Nutbunny gives Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within 2.5 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

NUTBUNNY recommends: 

A brief moment set aside to wonder how much better life would be if Aki Ross were a real person…oh god, I’m such a nerd. 

If you haven’t already played and/or beaten FFX, you haven’t lived life. Get off your ass and down to K-Mart!

Forbidden Planet 

1956

Directed by: Fred McLeod Wilcox 

Starring: Walter Pigeon, Anne Francis, and Leslie Nielsen, Robby the robot

You ever see those parodies on TV with big robots on the moon doing crazy things? Of course you have. Well, it’s from this movie that they get their material. Oh Yes, this is the movie that all 50’s sci-fi movie clichés come from.  

Forbidden Planet is the tale of a crew that travels to a far off planet called (Wait for it) Altair-4 in the far off year of 2257. In this far off planet, they will try to find remains of an earth colony. There, Commander Adams (Leslie Nielson) finds Dr. Morbius (Walter Pidgeon) and his daughter, Aktaria (Anne Francis). And you can’t forget their good buddy, Robby The Robot!!! But things aren’t over yet… 

This movie was made in 1956. It looks incredible. Really, I sat there wondering just how big of a budget this film had. For a film in 1956, the effects are great. They were nominated for an Oscar but apparently didn’t win. I have no clue what movie had better effects then this. Robby the robot is probably the sweetest looking Remote controlled (Midgets inside?) thing I have ever seen.  

Aye, that’s all good and well but is the movie good? Effects can’t always carry a movie. Look at Star Wars Episode 1 for proof. Well, luckily, this is pretty darn good. But just not GREAT. It kind of falls between a Lifetime movie and The Cell. The movie has a really goofy story to tell and the actors play it out like a high school play sometimes. If you grab some friends and a copy of this baby, you can create your own episode of MST3K. Although, not as funny. 

This movie is really worth finding. It's great to see what they could do in 1956 movie. Apparently, a lot. The acting isn’t award winning and the story isn’t great but it sure is fun to watch. And that’s all that counts.

Professor Nutbunny gives "Forbidden Planet" 3 Dr. Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Heavy Metal 2000 

2000

Directed by: Michael Lemire and Michael Coldewey

Starring the voices of: Michael Ironside, Julie Strain and Billy Idol

If you love Animation, chances are high that you’ve seen a movie called "Heavy Metal". This Animated movie was released in the mid-eighties, made some good money and became a cult hit. The movie satisfied many different people on many different levels. For the Pimply male teenager there was the ample amounts of nudity and buckets of gore. For the Hard workingman of the house there was…ample amounts of nudity and buckets of gore. Okay, so it wasn’t a very complicated movie but so what? 

Flash forward to 2000. "Heavy Metal 2000" is released on DVD only instead of going into theaters. Why? Read on, friends and I’ll tell you why.  

"Heavy Metal 2000" is about space pirate, Tyler (Michael Ironside) who comes across the key to where immortality is found. He goes insane and for some reason attacks a peaceful planet, killing everybody! Or did he? Nope! A woman by the name of F.A.K.K. 2 (Julie Strain) rises up for the rubble to search out Tyler and kill him!! <Dum dum Dum>!! Love the story? I sure as hell didn’t. 

Now in an animated movie a bad script can be tolerated if the animation is good. How is Heavy Metal 2000’s animation? I’d say it’s about between Batman’s and what I just dropped in the toilet. The characters move with all the fluidly of a crack addict and it’s almost unbearable to watch. In one scene, our heroes fight against an army of GREEN LIZARD ALIENS and the result is something that reminds me of Dungeons and Dragons. The backgrounds sure are nice, though. 

Okay, so the story is bad and the animation sucks, how about them voices? Well, the voices are once again, pretty much, crap. Julie Strain could never act. She doesn’t have to. She is supposed to be naked and in the other movies she’s in, she does it well. But this is animated. She really has to TRY to act. The result is really funny. Billy idol isn’t bad, though, and Michael Ironside most definitely does the best job. But still, Julie’s character is the MAIN character so we hear her the most. Too bad. 

I have to hand it to Columbia Tri-Star. The DVD package is really good looking and it suckered me into buying it. And for an animated movie, they've got some good extras. But this movie is bad. Plain and simple. It took me 3 times to finally sit through the whole movie. I pray for the people who sit through it in one sitting. <Shudder> Professor Nutbunny gives "Heavy Metal 2000" 1/2 a Doctor Muerte out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

Professor Nutbunny recommends the following for viewers of "Heavy Metal 2000":  

A nice smack on the head if you got suckered into buying it too.

I married a strange person! 

1997

Directed by: Bill Plympton

Voices by: Chris Michelson, Tom Larson, Richard Spore, Chris Cooke

This movie is hard to grade. I mean, this movie is not that very good. Well, it sucks really. Yet, I can’t be that hard on it. This movie is done by Bill Plympton. When I say “done by” I mean DONE BY, as in what you see on the screen all came from Plympton himself. Yes, dear reader, this man has animated a movie by himself. (He has done this before too, with a more family friendly movie called The Tune and his collection of shorts) This fact still amazes me, and so I can’t be too harsh. Yet, the movie, uh, really is a big disappointment. It’s like watching a really funny piece of crap…while being poked by tiny needles in eye. 

Here’s the set up: The movie happens to be about Grant, a man like any other man, who has grown a strange pimple like thing on his neck by a freak accident with a satellite dish. The growth now gives Grant to have whatever he wishes, happen. And after an appearance on a talk show, (and a run in with the in-laws, and, of course, a long night of warped sex) word of grant’s power have spread like wild fire. And now everyone from a television executive to a lowly comedian wants a piece of his powers. To his rescue comes his wife… 

The “adventure” that Grant and his wife is a funny one. Actually, at times, the jokes in this movie reach a near genius level. Of course, not all the jokes work but, hey, what are going do? But I can’t shake the feeling that the story itself is just a frame for a lot of funny but usually un-related jokes. Not that the fact stops the viewer from having a good time, but the movie never really feels like a MOVIE. I mean, for example, I own the un-cut version of this movie. This movie is fairly naughty and I’m sure a good portion of movie was cut from the R- rated version. Even with all the scenes in the film, it still only runs 1 hour and 13 minutes. And the credits are long too. It feels like Plympton just wanted to get this movie over within the shortest possible time frame.  

The under lying feeling of boredom from the director/animator, translates onto screen. This movie is dull. Very dull. Over the years the Doctor and I have seen many a movie, from highest Hollywood turd to the lowest Troma dumbass fest, but nothing has compared to the emptiness my brain felt as I watched this movie. I bet the DVD couldn’t even bruise me if was thrown at me at 60 miles per hour. Every frame seems naked and empty, with not too many things happening. And A LOT of frames are repeated and A LOT of shots are still frames. AND, on top of that, scenes are set up so that the viewer never really sees the character talking. Animating of the mouths was something probably just Plympton tried to avoid to finish early. And when you do see a person talk the mouths just open and close and never match what the person is saying. It’s like watching a horribly dubbed Anime. Sigh…

For me, voices can make or break an animated film. (Must rid…myself…of painful…80’s anime dubbing… memories…NO! Stay away Vampire Hunter D! BACK!) Sadly, in this film the voices fall flat. This could be due to the absence of coherent mouth syncing (Or no mouth seen at all) or to the talent our friendly voice-over artists lack. I think the voice talent took their lessons from Professor Ben Stein (or me). But with a low budget animated movie, I can’t expect too much from it. But still, I could find better talent in the local High School. 

And with all this negative talk, does it really deserve two MUERTES heads? Yes, but only because it’s really damn funny, a one-man animated film, and the fact that watching this with a friend multiplies the greatness of movie ten fold. Just don’t get this movie expecting a new landmark in animation or entertainment, and you’ll do fine.  

Professor Nutbunny gives I Married A Strange Person 2 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

NUTBUNNY Recommends: 

A 6-pack of jolt handy. Believe me.

 WARNING: This movie contains the worst, most mind numbingly bad joke. I’ll tell it here so any potential watchers can be ready: As Grant and his wife are doing a little pre-sex love talk; she says to him, “Let me see your bedroom eyes.” And then a little man in bed slides out of Grant’s eye, “Hey, I’m trying to sleep here!” HAR HAR HAR! Knee slappingly funny, eh? It wasn’t funny when doctor found about to slit my wrists after hearing it. (Wait, “slappingly”? Is that a word?)

Kung-Pow! Enter the Fist

a.k.a. The Dubbed Action Movie: Enter the Fist

2002

Directed by: Steve Oedekerk

Starring: Steve Oedekerk, and other assorted people 

Walking into the theater I knew what to expect from this movie. I had seen the commercials. They didn’t look funny. But a close friend said it was okay so I went off to see it with him. Yeah, I laughed at times. Actually, a few things in the first 10 minutes are really funny. But then it all stops, with some chuckles here and there. It’s around that time you realize what a dog you’re watching. A stinky dog, wet from rain, fresh from a roll in the manure. You then realize that this is the most unoriginal film ever. It isn’t even an original film fer’ crying out loud! It’s a 1976 movie called Savage Killers. Augh, it all hurts my head. 

Kung-Pow is like a horrible episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 on bad acid. Instead of running commentary that’s funny, Steve Oedekerk dubbed over the original voices and re-dubbed them with “humorous” voices. It’s a bad idea on paper and even worse on a screen. It’s unfunny, on a scale like no other. There’s also unfunny extras added into the background to make the unfunny ness even unfunnier. There are even added unfunny scenes involving an unfunny fight with a cow, and unfunny scenes with unfunny aliens! The madness doesn’t stop there, oh no! The voices are the worst part, and are able to reduce any strong willed man to a puddle of quivering nerves. Like the narrator, who spouts unfunny lines like, “Wow, looks like that hurt!” and “Hey, dude, man!” I tell you, I was busting a gut! In all seriousness the lack of humor in scenes make you wonder if they were just trying to remake an old film. I mean directors just love to make their own interpretations of films nowadays, quality be damned so why can’t Steve Oedekerk? 

I’ll tell you why…Steve Oedekerk isn’t funny. You may remember Ace Ventura 2 starring Jim Carrey. Well ol’ Steve here directed that. Was it funny? On the whole, no. So who thought he could be trusted with another project? This is a sure fire dud, and as I write this weeks later, it’s apparent that it was just that. He even stars in this one, and his acting ability is akin to a fart enclosed in a room that has been sealed tight for 8 weeks. Oh its bad, class, and it smells like French Fries and burning rubber. Maybe worse. I say we take Steve out to the backyard and put him out of his misery, like an old dog. 

But I won’t deny I did laugh real hard at two jokes in the movie but the other 99 percent of the jokes were just plain bad. So my general point is to stay away from this movie. Burn any VHS and DVD copy’s that will come out, and let us forget about this lesson in bad movie making. I know I’ll try. 

Professor Nutbunny gives Kung Pow: Enter the Fist 1 1/2 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter.

NUTBUNY recommends: 

You stay away from this movie. Please, heed my words! I kid you not. 

A slice of Cheesecake, because it’s good darn good.  

Orgazmo 

1997

Directed by: Trey Parker 

Starring: Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Dian Bachar, Robin Lynn, Michael Dean Jocabs, and Good Ol’ Ron Jeremy

I love Trey Parker. He’s my hero. I most certainly look up to him. He created South Park, the most popular cartoon to come around in years and directed my favorite movie, the hard to find “Cannibal! The musical.” But I can’t help but be in the middle of the road on this movie.  

"Orgazmo" is the tale of Joe Young (Trey Parker), a Mormon who one day visits the set of a Porno movie. After a slight turn of events, Joe stars as the Superhero main character in the porn, "Orgazmo". "Orgazmo" becomes a huge hit, and Joe must work though problems ranging from his Mormon faith to saving his girlfriend. 

"Orgazmo" is funny. I laughed countless times watching this movie. But the fact is Trey has done better. A good episode of South Park can usually make me laugh harder then this movie and South Park is only 30 minutes long. "Orgazmo" is 94 minutes. And his directing has been better. By the end of the movie, you’ll be glad.  

The soundtrack on the other hand is great. The biggest reason to see this movie is listen the opening credit’s song, “Now you’re a Man”. It’s preformed by Trey and Matt’s band DVDA and damn, damn funny. Really. Like laughing so hard you cry funny. Like you still crack up even after the 50th time you’ve sung the song. It’s that funny. 

Also, though this isn’t about the movie itself really, "Orgazmo" is rated NC-17. But it really shouldn’t be. It’s nothing worse then a medium R. The ratings board must’ve been drunk when they rated this. 

I can’t say I don’t recommend this but this movie just isn’t Trey’s best. Watch this if you just want a movie on a rainy Sunday. Find Cannibal if you really want to watch a classic. Professor Nutbunny gives 2 and 1⁄2 Doctor Muertes out of 4 on the Muertemeter. 

Professor Nutbunny recommends the following for viewers of "Orgazmo": 

Repeated listening to the soundtrack.