SOMETHING SPECIAL

 

1986

 

Directed by Paul Schneider

 

Starring Pamela Seagall, Patty Duke, John Glover, Eric Gurry,  Seth Green.

Review Date: June 6, 2003

 

 

“Milly always wondered what it was like to be a boy.  This morning she woke up with her first clue.”

 

After finishing my love letter to The Hot Chick I felt compelled to delve further into the realm of spontaneous penile growth.  With a tag line that reads, “The comedy switch of the year—For the entire family!”  Something Special is disguised as a family oriented adventure of self-discovery and with its glossy finish, likable cast, and warm inviting tone, the movie nearly pulls it off.  Nearly, but not entirly.  If you look closely you will see something there that is not quite right.  Somewhere back in the shadows behind the actors espousing light-hearted dialogue, hiding in the corners of the set where the cheerful lighting does not quite reach, is something dark, dirty, sweaty, and very very wrong.  And I’m not talking about a child-killing California Raisin on the lam, I’m talking about a true abomination.  I’m talking about a girl who wakes up to a new appendage and says—hey, what the heck.  I’m gonna give this baby a whirl!  And the deviance does not end there.  Oh, no.  Once one gender bending monstrosity is set loose in the world of teenage hormones run amok known as High School, further corruption follows as boys and girls alike fall under the spell of this adorable new multi-sexed creature.  But perhaps I am overreacting.  Perhaps, I am letting my own staunch moral beliefs taint my review.  Let me start from the beginning and you yourself can decide.  Fun for the whole family or Satan’s plan lead us all into hot sweaty gender neutral sexual trysts.  You be the judge.

 

Milly Niceman, played by Pamela Seagall who continues to flaunt the rules of gender to this day by lending her voice to King of the Hill’s Bobby Hill and many other cartoon boys, is a young girl who just can’t get her parents to take her seriously.  She wants to be an Astronomer more than anything and her parents see her dream as a boyish hobby rather than a real aspiration.  Her annoyance is further heigtened by her first semi-formal dance where she finds herself unable to, as a mere girl, approach a group of boys and ask one of them to dance.  And yet while Milly’s frustration with the perceived limitations of her sex play a role in her gender identity confusion, it is the creepy neuroses of her parents, played to perfection by Patty Duke and John Glover, that really put Milly in a befuddled state.  Mr. Niceman is so desperate to have a son that he plays catch in the driveway all by his lonesome and uses all his lecherous wiles to try and coax Mrs. Niceman into giving baby making, or rather baby boy making, another shot.  And Mrs. Niceman is so fixated on Milly’s gender identification that she has the gall, or shall I say out and out depravity, to purchase her daughter a Junior Miss Colonial bedroom set.  Clearly, Milly will always fall short of her parent’s very specific needs and thus the true seeds are planted for her outrageous penis growing desires.  

 

Armed with special magical Indian sand that promises to fulfill the users “deepest, darkest heart’s desire” and with the help of a solar eclipse Milly grows a “boy’s thing” and decides to become…Willy.  Though not immediately.  As one might imagine at first there is a certain amount of hysteria in the household and Milly is whisked away to a team of medical professionals who, obviously unfamiliar with the combined powers of magic sand and astrological forces, explain to the family that Milly has always has both sexes inside of her.  She is, in short, a straight-up hermaphrodite.  This scene is particularly spectacular because both mother and father are so glum, appalled, and disgusted with the thing that was their daughter and the “team of experts” can just barely contain their revulsion.  Also, even though Milly’s only physical change so far is her newly sprouted pud she is decked out incognito style with a trench coat and a hat.  The disturbing atmosphere of the scene is completed when the Dr. compares Milly’s “condition” with that of a calf being born with two heads!?  Remember folks, this film is “for the entire family.”  The scene concludes with Milly being informed that she must make a decision—boy or girl.  And Milly, rather than hiding the cruel trick that nature has played on her, decides to parade her deformity all over town by becoming a full-blown young boy. 

 

Although Mrs. Niceman is mortified, Mr. Niceman is overjoyed.  He zealously leaps into the father-son relationship and decides that given Willy’s dainty past he had better make sure that Willy is as much or a man’s man as humanly possible.   John Glover, who stole my heart as Daniel Clamp in Gremlins 2, is pretty damn amusing in this role.  He puts Willy on a strict regiment of boxing and swearing.  This is handled in the film as a strange montage where we find Willy dividing his time between wandering around the woods boxing the air while shouting profanity to himself and hanging out on the street making obscene comments at female passers-by.  This is most unsettling since right before our very eyes we see sweet natured Willy transformed into something akin to that guy I see sometimes on the subway who shouts at his feet and asks me if he can urinate in my shoe.   The whole thing is creepy, very creepy.  As for Mrs. Niceman, she may not share her husband’s enthusiasm for this new turn of events but eventually she begins to accept the new order of things and the Niceman house settles into its own perverse brand of normalcy. 

 

So the Niceman’s are a bunch of bonafide perverts and that is just fine, may they all smolder together in one wreath of fire.  But, as stated earlier, Milly-cum-Willy, taints other impressionable babes with she/he’s sick condition.  First and most fascinating is the relationship that blooms between Willy and his childhood friend, Stephanie.  Young Stephanie is hip to the whole change and is she, as any decent young girl should be, utterly repulsed?  No sir, much like in The Hot Chick, we see a young girl become attracted to the new male form of a childhood best friend.  I will burn it hell for this but I find this particular theme supremely sexy…or uh, I mean wrong and very dirty.  See this film has corrupted even me!  But still,  the young nubile flesh of your best friend, so safe, so comforting, and yet now—so pungent, so assertive, so…solid.  Damn this infernal forbidden fruit of a film!  Stephanie attempts to seduce Willy without success but her clumsy display of sexuality has nevertheless stirred up confused sexual feelings in Willy.  He seeks council from his mother who, obviously driven truly mad by her daughter’s transition, is up in the dead of night cleaning out the refrigerator.  In one of my all-time-favorite movie exchanges Patty Duke tries to explain a young boy’s need to ejaculate by comparing a penis to a bottle of ginger ale that she has on hand.  She shakes the bottle of soda and explains that a shaken soda is agitated with “mad bubbles” that are screaming “Let me out! Let me out!”  Wow.  Burned in my brain forever.  

 

Next, Willy turns her double-duty pheromones on her new school chum Alfie.  When Milly makes the transition to Willy, her parents, in their only sane act in the course of the film, transfer their gender confused child to a new school for a fresh start.  Once there, Willy meets fellow space enthusiast, Alfie.  Awkward, bullied, and wheel chair confined, Alfie doesn’t have much luck with the ladies and isn’t all that impressed with the ones he has met so far.  Enter Willy who is like no one he has ever met and before long Alfie is feeling a raging desire for his new buddy.  But none of this comes out of nowhere, Willie though not on purpose, works pretty hard on seducing the confused young lad.  In a decidedly non-heterosexual scene, Willy, much smaller than Alfie decides to take on the difficult task of carrying his crippled friend up a set of stairs.  This is no easy task, involving much grunting and sweating, and once they reach the top of the stairs an exhausted Willy collapses in Alfie’s lap and they both giggle uncontrollably.  Poor Alfie is no match for Willy’s charms and towards the climax of the film a confused Alfie declares that he has become “a faggot.”  

 

Family film indeed.  Starting to see things my way?  Or perhaps you see nothing wrong with sexual confusion and gender bending young love.  Perhaps, you are just as depraved as the folks who brought us this film.  Maybe, you do not believe me when I say that Satan himself had a hand in the making of this picture.  Well, non-believer don’t get all smug just yet, I have saved the most compelling argument for last.  

 

Paul Schneider directed this film (not to be confused with the less reprehensible Paul Snider who blew away Dorothy Stratten’s pretty little head).  Maybe you are unfamiliar with this constant workhorse in the television industry but trust me when I say there is a phone in his home with a direct line to Satan.  Schneider has been directing made-for-TV movies and episodes of popular television shows since 1986 and after 17 years in the biz he is deeply entrenched in Satan’s most valuable weapon against our youth.  That in itself should be evidence enough but there is far more concrete evidence pointing to his direct association with the dark overlord.  Ever hear if little TV movie called “Dance ‘Till Dawn”.  If you have not consider yourself one step further away from true evil.  If you have then you can hop right onto the elevator with the rest of here at Muerte Labs cause kiddo, you’re going down.  This film involves one night in the lives of several High School Seniors ready to tie up loose ends, make last minute connections, form timeless bonds, and dance the night away at that formal of all formals—the Prom.  Sounds innocent enough, right?  Well, did I mention that this is quite an unusual senior class, a senior class of the most nefarious order?  The roster consists of, in ascending order of vileness, Tracy Gold, Tempest Bledsoe, Christina Applegate, Alyssa Milano, and Matthew Perry.  And who serves on the PTA for this maggoty student body?  Well, Kelsey Grammer, Edie McClurg, and Alan Thicke of course.  Now I ask you, who but one of Satan’s most powerful cronies could amass such a powerful group of Satan’s minions?  Need I even bring up “Babycakes”, the made for TV movie that forces us to see Ricky Lake and Craig Schiffer get firsky with one another--tongues and all?  Dear god, it is a wonder to me that no one has stopped this man dead in his tracks and yet he continues to direct television films and made-for-TV flicks even to this day.  In fact, if I am not mistaken, and I very rarely am, he is also largely responsible for JAG, a show that continues to be made despite the fact that I have NEVER met a single person who has even seen the show.  Do you need any further evidence of this man’s complete and total alliance with the Prince of Darkness? 

 

To say that I have proven my case would be an understatement.  Clearly this is a movie made my dark minds for the sole purpose of cultivating more dark minds.  Something Special is a terrorist attack on the mid-eighties family that pops up every now and then on cable to entice and corrupt new youngster even to this day.  It is filth dressed up in flowers.  It is the serpent wearing a T-shirt that reads “Youth Pastor of the Year.”  It is—ONE GREAT FUCKING FILM! Four out of four on the DOA Syringe of Judgment.  

 

Warnings:  This product contains saccharine sweetness to cover the bitter taste of moral poison.  Those with allergies or a low tolerance for saccharine should avoid taking more than the lowest suggested dosage. 

 


THE HOT CHICK

 

2002

 

Directed by Tom Brady

Starring Rob Schneider, Anna Faris, Rachel McAdams, Matthew Lawrence.

Review Date: June 6, 2003

 

 

I have secret and it is a doozy.  A secret so shameful that I have not told anyone.  No one.  Except of course the guy at the bodega on the corner… and the woman who sells me my live chickens…and the guy who brings the doctor his daily delivery of classically trained ballet dancing chimps… and the doctor of course...and my dry cleaner (who removes blood and ambrosia salad stains no problem)…and the old Swedish couple who I keep in my closet to polish my boots and darn my fishnets…Hell, guess I’m telling just about everyone.  It is no longer a secret it is a goddamn obsession.  A shameful obsession?  Perhaps but that is the only kind worth having. Listen up bootlickers because this is the Nurse at her most vulnerable.  This is the nurse in love.  What is this secret turned shameful obsession?  I’ll say it loud and I’ll say it proud: I love The Hot Chick! 

 

What happens when you take a premise that works best in films aimed at young girls (Something Special, Just One of the Guys) and make it a vehicle for Rob Schneider whose target audience is the 12 to 20 year old male crowd?  You get one hell of an ‘80s throwback junior high party.  This movie is a chick flick with pop princess flair and at the same time it is all snakes and snails and puppy dog tails with physical comedy complete with pratfalls, farting, and gross-out gags.  I know that to those of you who have seen this movie my effusive praise may leave you all flummoxed but you must understand that I am going through my first adolescent crush and I fear it may have clouded my judgment.  I spent my teen years up to my elbows in robot lubricant, atomic batteries, and hydraulic pincers and I had little time for love.   But now, young love has come calling and I find myself sadly ill-prepared for its dizzying effects.  The only thing to do now is to try and loosen love’s stranglehold by dragging my new object of obsession through the cow pasture.  We will see if I’m still looking to cuddle when The Hot Chick stinks to high Heaven.  Let the parade of faults begin.

 

The movie opens with an Egyptian princess and a slave girl swapping bods in the obligatory origin-of-the-magical-artifact scene and then quickly shifts to a present day pep-rally where we meet mean spirited, cheerleading, school-ruling, virgin-cock-tease, hottie, Jessica.  Jessica has got it all--fab friends, slutty bright clothing, and even a Lawrence brother boyfriend.  All is perfect for young Jessica until the ugly pair of ancient magic earrings resurface at a mysterious new shop in the mall.  Jessica, certain that the flashy danglies will make what promises to be a fierce prom ensemble even fiercer, ignores the vague but doomy warning of the shop owner and snatches them up.  Enter Clive  (Rob Schneider), who is buying time on this earth by eeking out a meager existence as a none too bright petty criminal.  These two cross paths and by chance both end up with an earring from the mystical set.  Come sunup the following day Jessica has a new handle on life and Clive has lost his marbles.  A lot of screaming ensues.  From here on out we focus primarily on Jessica and her gal pals and their quest to regain Jessica’s rightful body before the next full moon or suffer a lifetime of looking like Rob Schneider.

 

First of all, the premise of waking up with six more inches then you had the night before is nothing new.  In fact, the superior 1986 film Something Special, finds Milly Niceman (Pamela Segall, cute as all hell and the voice of King of the Hill’s Bobby Hill) waking up with well…something special.  And gender bender body switching is an old standby.  Lilly Tomlin and Steve Martin shared a body in All of Me and in Switch Jimmy Smits dies and is reincarnated as Ellen Barkin--just to name a couple.  So, why do we need another one?  If America is so hungry for a body-switching movie then why not wait for the upcoming remake of Freaky Friday?  Or run out and rent the old one along with 18 Again, Vice Versa, Like Father Like Son, the options are endless.

 

Why? I’ll tell you why—because I needed The Hot Chick!

 

I just can’t throw this movie to the wolves—the love is too strong.  Besides I’m really straining to find faults.  Not that there are not any faults, it is true the plot is weak, but did you expect there to be a compelling plot?  Did you?  Telling you what makes The Hot Chick lame is like explaining to you why, no matter how much you want Dario to be your father-in-law, Asia Argento will still never marry you.  The Hot Chick sucks in many ways.  It isn’t consistently funny.  The portion of the film the prior to the body switch is overly long and not very entertaining.  And the makers of this film had the audacity to hire Tia and Tamara Mowry--both of whom I only released into the world to serve as a lesson to those of you who think cloning is a practice that could ever be used for good.  But I can forgive each of those flaws because I had expected those types of transgressions and countless others.  You see, pointing out the flaws in The Hot Chick is simple; the hard part is convincing you that you love The Hot Chick as much as I do. 

 

I know you may be hesitant to feel the love so I am just gonna come out right away with the big guns and ask you this: in what other movie can you see Dick Gregory, in the role of bathroom attendant, guiding Rob Schnieder through the distressing process of peeing at a urinal?  Yup, there is some top notch casting in this flick and it doesn’t simply rely on stunt extras like Mr. Gregory.  No sir, the leads can feel damn good about a job well done. 

 

Rob Schnieder tickles me in all the right places in his role as Jessica.  Like any good physical comic he is working hard and it shows.  In fact physical comedy is the only form of acting where your audience likes to see you sweat and if it doesn’t look like the work is killing the actor then he is not doing it right.  His portrayal of an 18-year-old girl often hits ugly flamboyant drag queen pitch but for the most part his mannerisms are spot on for a young girl like Jessica.  Not flawless but damn endearing just the same.  In fact, I was so taken with Mr. Schnieders performance I tried to pursue our relationship further by running out and renting Deuce Bigelow Male Gigolo. Alas, I was only met with disappointment.  Like a one-night stand, my relationship with Rob Schnieder began and ended with The Hot Chick.  Oh Rob, thanks for the memories.  

       

The girls, in no way overshadowed by the performance of Mr. Schnieder, give some take no prisoners performances.  Rachel McAdams plays the Clive character pretty well.  Her Clive is a little more ballsy than pre-switch Clive but I speak from experience when I say that a young hot body and the power to make any man helplessly bend to your will makes a gal pretty cocky.  Sure you may have to beat some of the fellas to a bloody pulp first but if you are young, hot, and tough the streets can be your oyster and the new Femme Fatale Clive is feeling his power.  Also, she does some of the most awkward, mangy, and rough pole dancing I have ever seen.  If only all strippers had such style.  There is no doubt about it, Rachel McAdams holds up her end of the bargain.  She is not, however,  the filly in this flick that stole my heart.  Than honor belongs to another.

 

Anna Faris.  I don’t think that this movie would be even one tenth as rad if not for the work of the divine Ms. Faris.  Anna child, you done us women proud.  Sexy as a mofo and with the comedic chops to back it up.  This girl is a force to be reckoned with.  Playing the role of April, Jessica’s best friend, Faris and Schneider really shine together.  It is amazing but the two actually manage to pull off some very human and touching exchanges.  Yes, you read me right. I said, “human and touching exchanges.”  Can you smell the estrogen?

 

This brings me to the whole chick flick element.  This was a huge miscalculation market-wise.  As stated before, Rob Schnieder has a very clear demographic and not a one of those boys is a chick flick enthusiast.  But make no mistake, even with the piss gags, this is indeed a chick flick.  Jessica has to nurse her best friend through the crush she has developed on Jessica’s new manly form.  Jessica must befriend the misfit girls she taunted prior to “the change” in order to enlist their help in curing her problem.  Jessica, posing as the family’s gay Mexican gardener, strengthens her bonds with her parents and manages to save the couple’s suffering marriage.  Not to mention the amount of film time devoted to her Lawrence Brother boyfriend who pines for her always and is genuinely willing to wait “for that special moment when it will be perfect.”  I know, it all sounds pretty gay.  Now imagine how gay it must have seemed to his target audience.  It makes me think of the huge misstep taken by the folks who brought us Nightmare on Elm Street Part V: The Dream Child.  Did they really think teenage boys who came to the theater to hear Freddy says things like “Welcome to Prime Time Bitch” and see kids cut to ribbons really wanted to sit through all that annoying organic mother and child crap?  And yet the creators of The Hot Chick made a similar mistake.  Did they really think that teenage boys who came to hear Schnider says things like “You can do it” and watch pee jokes really wanted to sit through all that female bonding girl power crap?  Clearly, it was a mistake.  But you know what Bob Ross says about mistakes and in the case of The Hot Chick I couldn’t agree more. If they had really tried to pander to their target demographic 100%, this movie would have been one farting drag queen temper tantrum after the other and we would have ended up with a movie as utterly forgettable as Rob Schnider’s other films.  It is a well-balanced enjoyable movie that suffers commercially because of it.  It is that Hollywood tragedy of tragedies, a mainstream film without an audience.  That is the film’s damning fault and I fear that is exactly why I know I can never convince you to love The Hot Chick.  This film is one giant abandoned puppy of a flick and it seems that I am the only person who is willing to give it a home.  Come on in, The Hot Chick, you can stay as long as you like.

 

Well, readers, I feel like I have grown up a lot since I began this review.  As is the case with most adolescent crushes I had mistaken neediness and vulnerability for love.  The Hot Chick needed me and I needed to be needed.  The Hot Chick, our romance must come to end but I will always be here for you and you will always have a special place in my heart.  That is if I can find room for you in that cold mass of gears and wires I had made up to replace the old unreliable flesh ticker.  I give this movie a little piece of my heart and 3 out of 4 ccs on the DOA Syringe of Judgment.  I will close this review with a memorable quote from The Hot Chick, in a last ditch effort to make you feel the love:

 

“You mean you don’t carry your girlfriend’s panties around to pee in?  What kind of gay bar is this?”

 

Indeed.

 

Warnings:  Never give your heart to Rob Schnieder film.  I don’t even know who I am anymore. 

 


SIX-STRING SAMURAI

1998

Directed by Lance Mungia

Starring Jeffery Falcon, Justin Mcguire, Stephan Gauger

 

I have often times wondered just what the world would be like if the Russians had dropped the bomb devastating our country way back in 1957. I had always guessed that if that had indeed been the case than Vegas would be the only area to survive and Elvis, the only available royalty, would be crowned king.

 

“Six-String Samurai” not only confirms that theory but adds elements that I simply could not have foreseen. For instance, in this alternate universe not only is Elvis king but the deserts surrounding Vegas are crawling with guitar toting, sword wielding, samurai, rock icon look-alikes. The movie begins soon after the death of the Elvis, after a successful 40 year reign and the call has gone out–Vegas needs a new king. And who better to answer the call than the post-apocalyptic version of Buddy Holly. The road to the throne won’t be easy for our young Holly look-alike but luckily he is portrayed by Jeffery Falcon who has been kicking and slashing his way through Hong Kong fare since 1986 and has no problem showing his chops and gutting his foes (This is Falcon’s first U.S. film. I assume he grew tired of always being typecast as the white fellow, race is ever so limiting, and decided to try his luck on his home turf. It must be extremely disheartening to him that he is still being cast as a Caucasian.) He must do battle with all manner of unsavoriness including a gang of bowling assassins and savage scavenger types as he works his way across the desert with an irritating foundling that he acquirers early on in the film and can’t seem to get rid of much to the misfortune of anyone watching the movie as they must contend with the little nipper. But quirky villains and an annoying child are not all Buddy has to worry about because it seems that Death, heavy metal incarnate, will stop at nothing to keep all rock and roll hopefuls from reaching Vegas and securing the crown. By now several associations and comparisons should be springing to mind. And just in case you are slow I have amassed nine or so different reviews all containing a line where this film has been given the, this movie meets that movie treatment. I have condensed it into one oozing foul smelling mass for your reading ease.

 

“A post apocalyptic, spaghetti western, low-budget, multi-genre tour de force that is like Mad Max and

Repo Man meet Crossroads for a late morning brunch with American Graffiti and Beach Blanket Bingo only to end up at a late afternoon orgy at the Planes Trains and Automobiles compound where the The Seven Samurai, My cousin’s Bar Mitzvah, The Warriors, El Mariachi, Star Wars, The Wizard of Oz, and Deep Throat are fashioning ice sculptures in the shapes of select internal organs. It also has the dark whimsy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and a lead with all the one-liner swagger of Bruce Campbell’s Ash”

 

Some of those comparisons, wow, the mind boggles. It is true the movie is “a homage stew” and gets too clever for its own britches in places but I have a soft spot for such things. (John Carpenter’s GHOSTS OF MARS is a recent genre cocktail and that too is worth checking out.) This is a movie that takes the 1950's, the granddaddy of all things kitsch, and freezes development in 1957 before the troublesome 1960's could set in. An entire civilization rebuilt out of 50's popular culture where survival is eked out with broken plastic relics in a world where a guitar, a sword, and a ratchet are your best bets for high quality living. The movie has many really great bits and the dialogue, all dubbed, is scarce and full of lines that stick with you “Only one man could kill this many Russians. Bring me his guitar.” says death as he surveys the carnage left behind by our hero Buddy who thinks nothing of taking out the remains of the Russian army in one battle. The movie looks great and has a foot tapping score with most of the ditties performed by the Red Elvises. The Elvises make a brief appearance at the beginning of the movie but no doubt understanding that the novelty of Russian surf rockabilly wears thin quickly, if not nearly immediately, Buddy kills the musical comrades off in short order. The movie has its faults primarily the kid, though admittedly that may be rooted my complete and total abhorrence of children, and the ending lacks the epic scale battle between Death and Buddy that I had been hoping for. Sadly, after a brief sword fight Death is defeated by a little H2O. Nurse D.O.A. gives SIX STRING SAMURAI 3 cc’s out of 4 in the D.O.A. syringe of judgement.

 

WARNINGS: Use caution when approaching the post-apocalyptic nuclear family they are badly in need of red meat and are not afraid to resort to cannibalism. This film may cause drowsiness and irritability during the last 20 minuets. Mixing this film with gumballs, golf clubs, and midgets may result in accidental death.

 

VISITOR Q

2001

Directed by Takashi Miike

Starring Kenichi Endo, Fujiko, Shungiku Uchida, Kazushi Watanabe, Shoko Nakahara

 

In Visitor Q we find a movie that explores the family dynamic by laying bare the malaise and depravity of the middle class family with all the delicacy an honor of a traditional Japanese domestic drama. But I suppose none of that rocks your banana hammocks you filthy bootlickers. So gather round, but not too close, and I will tell you why Visitor Q is a film worthy of one as perverted as yourself.  Let us begin with the opening scene in which a scrumptious Asian chippie in schoolgirl plaid fucks her father for profit and then taunts him for being “an early bird.” Follow daddy to his home which is in shambles due to his germ phobic son’s constant and brutal abuse of a heroin addicted mother and the stage is set for the arrival of an attractive and enigmatic visitor.  Visitor Q enters this household of iniquity in the only suitable manner. After whacking the father on the head with a rock on two separate occasions in one single evening, Visitor Q becomes a welcomed houseguest of the family. He then, with very little effort sets the gears in motion for radical change and then steps back and becomes a passive participant in the wonderful and heartfelt tale that unfolds. Incest, murder, rape, forcible sodomy by microphone, a lactating momma with nipples as long as your manly stump, necrophilia, a defecating corpse, corpse mutilation, and a trunk full of dead schoolboys all spell compelling cinema in my book and Visitor Q is a movie so sleazy that it inspires and endears. The movie tackles so many issues that the only true resolution can be gleeful chaos. Just ask the son who, while lying face down in a pool of his momma’s milk, thanks visitor Q, with utmost sincerity, for destroying the family‘s home. When the final scene played out, an image of the Madonna that puts all other efforts to shame, the soulful Japanese pop balled “Bubbles of Water” began to play and the credits began to roll I turned to the Doctor and declared that America could keep its PATCH ADAMS for it is the Japanese that truly understand the formula for an uplifting tearjerker of a film.

 

Takashi Miike has completed 14 movies in the past 10 years, five of them in the past two years alone, and his experience shows. There is nothing hackneyed about this movie and it goes above and beyond the call of duty in oh so many glorious ways.  The movie proves itself to be more than your run of the mill exploration of “the malaise and depravity of the middle class family”, a concept that has become all too ordinary as evident by the popularity of the far less enjoyable AMERICAN BEAUTY, a becomes something all together marvelous. The movie transcends shock value and schlockery (two of my favorite things) and that is why there is something almost touching about even the most brutal exchanges.  No moment between a husband and wife could be more sacred than the joint mutilation of a dead former mistress. There are also several other issues thrown in to keep the familiar theme from seeming tired, as if this film could ever seem tired. For example, the father is so fascinated with the concept of reality TV and no holds barred reporting that he aired a clip of himself being sodomized by his own microphone when his attempt to interview Japan’s youth gone wild on the street goes delightfully awry and is driven to near ecstasy at the prospect of capitalizing on his sons torment at the hands of merciless school bullies. There is even a jab taken at Japanese consumerism as the mother is genuinely delighted by promises made on the label of a product that she has just purchased to cover the stench of the aforementioned butchered school boys that must be left in the trunk until time is found to dispose of them. When bodies pile up everyone must wait their turn. I give the VISITOR Q 4 cc’s out of 4 in the D.O.A. syringe of judgement and I recommend a stiffer dosage if possible. You may or may not ever see this film as prospects of American distribution looks all too murky (see Dr. Muerte’s rant about such injustice in his love letter to the film ACCION MUTANTE) Miike’s newest film, KOROSHIYA 1, is based on a the manga comic of the same title by Hideo Yamamoto. Filled with characters that Yamamoto has referred to as “amazingly bad” and resembling “a bad people all-star game,” it is seems evident that Miike will be churning out films as superb as Visitor Q for some time to come. I must remember to rush several cases of rejuvenating vitamin B-12 injections his way to ensure productivity.

 

WARNIGS: The opening act of incest may cause sexual excitability, try not to feel too ashamed. If excitability persists for longer than seven days or erection lasts for more than three days and or more symptoms occur do not bother consulting a physician--you are already going to hell.  Do not view this movie if you are pregnant or nursing a baby as it may lead to spontaneous and possibly fatal leakage. Corpses should not become warm and moist during intercourse if this occurs call poison control. Do exceed recommended dosage and in case of accidental overdose you will die grinning.