Any healthy hobo has an active sexlife. An important unwritten part of the Hobo’s code is the firm directive to spread the seed. Unless you are planning on traveling with a girl or leaching off of her resources it is important that you impregnate all females, you have sexual contact with, in order that your superior Hobo genes be spread throughout the world so that when the inevitable class war starts the Hobo army will have ample backing.
 

To impregnate a girl it is important to have unprotected sex and to do what you can to insure that her methods of birth control are rendered useless. A trick to disable diaphragms and condoms is to get a jar of K-Y jelly and empty it out, fill it with Vaseline. Vaseline is a petroleum product when it comes in contact with latex it will dissolve it and your hobo sperm will be able to ride the carnal rails without opposition. Replacing a girls birth control pills with percasets is another fine choice for obvious reasons. But the best way to impregnate a girl is unprotected sex.
 
 Apparently according to “modern” science (which Hobo’s have just started to explore) unprotected sex is the way “sexually transmitted diseases” are “transmitted”. Now according to Hobo lure there are three kinds of those diseases. One is Dick-Itch, One is Dick-Rot and the other is Dick-Gets-Caught-In-Zipper [Dick-Falls-Off] these are obvious diseases with obvious symptoms.
Unfortunately in this modern world we must accept that other cultures have penetrated the clean gene pool of the Hobo and added to this short list of possible diseases making it a long list. So I sat down in a bookstore and with this list of 3 major diseases, their symptoms, the Hobo’s treatment/cure and most importantly how to lie about not having them.
 
The Clap is probably your most encountered bug and although uncomfortable is no cause for concern as it is easily treatable with a 2-week course of antibiotics twice a day. Itching, painful urination and discharge are all signs that u could be the lucky recipient of the Clap. If you got it the chances are that you are going to be making some pretty pained faces and maybe some involuntary groaning noises. Just say your having some memories of the time you accidentally snuck into a Madonna concert and everyone should understand.

            Our next bugger up is my old friend Crabs. Now Crabs are annoying cause in order to prevent reinfestation you have to get a girl to do your laundry. Hell if it weren’t for this plague I might never have clean clothes!

If you got em, first off, don’t give em to me. Second you’re gonna need supplies: a bottle of Nix shampoo, a razor and shaving cream. First scrub up with the shampoo. Next lather up and shave off every bit of body hair u got. Then get your lady friend to wash ALL of your gear and don’t touch any of it till its done

 
If you have these you are going to be itching yourself, allot. Lying about why you're itching is a pretty standard trick for a Hobo so I’m not gunna go into it too much. I like to mutter something about horseflies. Another good trick is saying something like these Armani underpants are not comfortable at all, the person you are talking to will be so shocked that you have Armani underpants that they forget to wonder if your telling the truth about why your scratching.

 

Herpes, just the word scares the bejesus out of me. Well there ain’t no cure so get some vitamin E Aloe lotion and deny everything seriously. If you have an outbreak you might try to lay your hands on an antiviral such as Valtrex (but beware of anyone who is in possession of said drug).

 

Herpes isn’t contagious unless you are having an outbreak. So if you’re having an outbreak, you think you may have or you have just had one, you really shouldn’t have sex (it’s also pretty painful at those times). If you do fuck, at those times, you have crossed the dividing line between the good and the bad Hobo’s.

 

If your not having an outbreak you still might have some blisters (or like imperfections) on your diseased member. To explain these marks you can say that you were drunk and you fell into a campfire without pants. Or concoct some story where, in the process of saving a baby from drowning, you were infested by harmless but unattractive freshwater parasites.

           

A note about “double bagging”:

Every so often you may run across a rail slut of the most vile sort and feel compelled to wear two condoms at once. This technique called “double bagging it” has its origins in the American College System. As any Hobo worth his salt well knows nothing intelligent ever came out of the American College System and this method is no different.

“Double bagging” is a very poor idea. It is very possible for the two condoms to work against each other and cause, through friction, small holes (and occasionally outright breakage) in the condoms, negating whatever protection a condom may afford you.

Another note about “double bagging”:

Another definition of the term "double bagging” is when a woman is so vile a single paper bag over her head is not enough. I will address this definition and other methods of “banging ugly” in my upcoming article: Beer Goggles, Cardboard Boxes and Staple Guns: The Art of Banging Ugly.