Okay, let me start out this chapter by saying a hobo's gotta do what a hobo's gotta do. Over the course of my adventures I've laid many women. I've banged women so beautiful they would make a Kentucky hobo buy six apples. But on the other side of the coin, I've stuck it into girls who blurred the line between species. I don't want to say mean things about these girls but it is my DUTY to let you, the young hobo's out there, know what kind of horrors you have to face on that long road that leads to the wise hobo you have inside of you. That said, lets talk about banging Ugly.

A lot of people will say there is no excuse for banging Ugly. Well if you can't come up with an dozen excuses for anything you don't deserve to read this book and you can go back to the coffee bar and pay for your napkins. I'll give you plenty of excuses for banging Ugly and then I'll tell you how to do it.

Ugly is a descriptive word. But I'll tell you what, Ugly can have all kinds of things linked to it. Money, resources, drugs, lodgings, cookware, Ugly has all kinds of stuff which you need. If you have to think of one grotesque sexual experience as bartering then go ahead and think about it that way. And if you have to think of hundreds of grotesque sexual experiences as your job, then go ahead. It's easier to consistently bang a girl who looks like a monster than to get up on time and take a shower every day.

If I were a boring man then I would provide an equation with which you could balance out the scope of the ugliness against the potential material gains. But I am a man of adventure I am a hobo and I will tell you this: You can't put a hat on a pig and make it a girl but you can tape a picture of a hot girl to the back of a fat one and ease your pain.

The key to banging Ugly is the key to many things: At the very least you should remain drunk. Normally I go for the hardest drugs and alcohol available but for reasons I will elaborate on later it is important to keep your wits about you while you are banging Ugly. Another reason for being conservative with your substances is that Ugly is practically always annoying, at the least. Ugly is not only skin deep it runs in the blood and Ugly always runs out of the mouth. But you can fill that mouth with booze and shut it up, if you conserve.

A lot of young guys say to me, "Andy if I'm going to bang Ugly I'm going to do it in the dark". Here's what I tell them. Initially darkness may seem to be a good idea but I would advise against it. A lot of people think that if you can't see Ugly, Ugly can't hurt you. Nothing could be further from the truth! It is true that in the dark you can't see Ugly but you can still feel Ugly. Also terrifyingly you can smell and forbid: taste Ugly! Yes that's right! You're no longer just intentionally blurring your vision so you can look in the direction of a meter maid, no sir this is it ground zero Ugly and you have to understand the reality that Ugly has worse to offer than what it can do to your mind. Ugly is like the subway system, it smells like urine, and you feel dirty just being near it but you have to learn to negotiate it or you will wind up in a worse place than you started out in. Most importantly you have to be able to negotiate your escape route. After you bang Ugly you have to run, at least temporality, to access the damage and clean yourself of the evidence.

So the lights are on, you're as close to not naked as you can be and it's Ugly. Here are some simple tips to get through it.

First off: Stay on top! You don't want to be caught under Ugly, keep you head and shoulders unobstructed at all times so that you can control Ugly and check to see if anyone spots you.
Second: Even Ugly has got to have an attractive feature. Concentrate on that attractive feature. It might be hair, it might be a handbag or a pair of shoes in the closet. Whatever gets you through it.
Third: Ugly might have a whole good side. If that is the case get kinky! Tie Ugly up good side out and stick it in! Orgasm is the cheapest drug so have an Ugly one on me.

So now you've banged Ugly and maybe you've found it enjoyable. Don't be ashamed if you had a mug like that you'd have something to prove to. Now that you're out of it check yourself for marks or evidence. Keep your wits about you and use your hobo skills durring sex to get some of Ugly's deepest darkest secrets. It is with these secrets that you can ensure a pact of silence about your encounter.

Now that Ugly's silence is ensured you have to have a plan to stop all contact with it. One simple trick that always works for me is theft. Not enough that she calls the cops just enough that she thinks your sleazy and leaves you alone.

Now that you know how to bang Ugly try not to do it. I suggest you read my chapters on How to Lure Young Girls Into A Shack or if all else fails The Hobo Erotic Guide to Self Abuse.